


All The King's Horses

by WafflesAndPancakes



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Charles Has Issues, F/M, Heavy Angst, I don't know to be honest, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Kinda, Late Night Writing, Light Angst, M/M, OR IS IT, Past Relationship(s), Sad, Self-Doubt, Self-Reflection, and maybe a bit self-insert here, basically a ton of thinking, or - Freeform, thinking about the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:33:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23453293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WafflesAndPancakes/pseuds/WafflesAndPancakes
Summary: After all, what he has experienced throughout the last years, Charles doesn't think he will able to have a normal relationship ever again. The guy in his bed is the best example of that.orwriting as therapy because both Charles and I might need some
Relationships: Charles Leclerc & Sebastian Vettel, Charles Leclerc/Charlotte Siné (mentioned), Charles Leclerc/Max Verstappen, Giada Gianni/Charles Leclerc (mentioned), Lewis Hamilton/Nico Rosberg (Mentioned), Pierre Gasly/Caterina Masetti Zannini (mentioned)
Kudos: 47





	All The King's Horses

**Author's Note:**

> it's 2 am and I should sleep but I had to get this off of my chest because... writing can be therapy and I kinda needed this right now.
> 
> title from "All The King's Horses" by Karmina
> 
> consists of a ton of Hamilton quotes
> 
> plays in a world, where Corona isn't a thing
> 
> \- waffles

Monaco used to be so beautiful by night. It used to feel like home. It used to be the place he felt safe. Times had changed. He never felt safe again, no matter where he was. Nothing would go back to before because you cannot change those things. You cannot apologize and move on. You cannot act as if it has not happened. Because it has. You cannot turn back time and stop it. Nothing will ever make that possible. And maybe that was what made him feel vulnerable and unsteady. Maybe the knowledge that nothing in this world would change anything. No matter what he did, it would not change the past. God, what would he give to be able to change the past, to make it into something more beautiful. To treat them right. All of them. Change the world with the knowledge he has now. It would help them all so much. But that was not how the world works. It gives and it takes.

“Bullshit,” he mumbles, looking up into the starry sky.

Life does not give and take. It takes and it takes. Still, they keep living anyway, but for what cost? What did it cost to continue living while everything around him shattered into pieces? The past had been so beautiful, so easy going, but it had to change and of course, he had to change, too. That did not mean that his life had to sink like the motherfucking Titanic. His career was good, better than good even, it was perfect. The only positive thing in his life. Person after person left his life. Person after person disappeared without a trace. Person after person broke his heart.

He can see someone moving in his peripheral. No one joins him on the balcony though. He stays alone, as always. They say keep your friends close but your enemy closer. Closer than having them in your bed is not possible, is it? Another hit to his heart, another piece being taken out. The knowledge that he will not be able to have a single normal relationship. The knowledge that everyone around him will find their happiness while he makes his way through affair to affair. The knowledge that he, deep inside, will stay alone until the end of his days. Life is not fair, love is not fair, but at least they do not discriminate. People rise, people fall, they break and they make their mistakes, but for everyone, it seems as if there is a happy end, just not for him. Happy ends were originally made for fairytales. His life is no fairytale. It will never be one. Fairytales are never about lost boys like him.

A shooting star crosses the sky and disappears in the ocean without making a single sound. The same way Jules had disappeared without making a sound. Well, technically speaking it had made a sound but…  _ Jules _ did not make a sound. It was all the machines around him that had made the sounds, not the formerly living person in that weirdly off-white bedding. What would he give to see him again. What would he give to see his father again. What would he give to see Anthoine again. What would he give to properly apologize to Giada. What would he give to tell Charlotte the truth. What would he give to finally break things with Max, who is still soundly asleep in Charles’ bed, in Charles’ apartment. Because he knows, he fucking knows that it is wrong. Max should not sleep in his bed as if he does not have a girlfriend. Hell, he should not let Max sleep in his bed when he has Charlotte. But maybe it is just another fucked-up thing about them both and their fucked ideals when it comes to father figures, to their need of feeling appreciated, of making someone happy and proud. They find something in each other that they cannot find with their girlfriends and he knows it sounds fucked-up but what about is not fucked up? It is not as if they are known to have the best and most functioning lives. Both of them are subjects in their team's plans, not more than two pieces in their game of chess. Knight versus knight during the day, knight fucking knight during the night. But they are not knights in their shining armors, they are merely two broken boys longing for love and appreciation. And it is not as if they have not tried to break it off, but they have come back again and again, being pulled together as if they are the two magnetic poles, even though they are so similar. Deep down, Charles knows it has to stop, not only because they are risking somewhat good relationships, not only because it might cause the biggest drama in the whole Formula One circus, but because… because everyone he loved has died. Or at least left his life without a trace (he knows Giada left because he fucked it up, and to be honest, he cannot be mad about it. He has been an asshole towards her). And even if he does not love Max - he does not know if they are even friends - he does not want him to leave either. He does not want to feel the familiar pain all over again. The pain of losing someone he has been close to. Somewhat, at least.

He often wonders how Lewis does it. Keeping up the will to fight after losing his friendship to Nico. Charles knows how close they have been, he had seen it when he had visited Jules at the Monaco Grand Prix once. He had seen them at a point were their relationship had begun to crack, and still, they had looked so close. And he knows that they will still have each other's backs if something happens, as when Niki died and they met at the funeral, but it is not the same as it has been before. Their egos have broken them apart and he feels sorry for them. Genuinely sorry. And even though that has happened, Lewis has not shown a single sign of weakness. He keeps on fighting as if nothing has ever happened at all. Maybe it is a way of showing Nico how well he is doing without him. Maybe it is to mask his true feelings. Maybe he has forgotten a lot about Nico, enough to make it easier for him to win. Friendship stays off of the racing track. One lesson Charles has learned from him. And from Seb. Seb. Sebastian Vettel. Someone who comes irritatingly close to a father figure without being one. He likes Seb, even though he gets on his nerves from time to time. With Seb, he has truly learned how to separate relationships on- and off-track. That’s the only way he can fight him while being able to look him in the eyes after a race (especially after Brazil). He remembers asking Seb how he is able to maintain a friendship to Lewis while always fighting for the crown. He remembers the fond smile Seb had given him, putting an arm around Charles.

“Lewis doesn’t hesitate. He exhibits no restraint. He takes and he takes and he takes. And he keeps winning anyway. He changes the game. He plays and he raises the stakes.”

He remembers how confused he had been at the Germans words. How the words did not want to make sense to him.

“If there’s a reason he seems to thrive while so few win… I’m willing to wait for it. And while I’m waiting for my chance to beat his ass, trying to figure out how he does this, I can still be his friend. It’s the same for you and Pierre, isn’t it? You’re still friends even though you’re enemies on track, and even though you might have more chances than him.”

And he remembers the pain in Seb’s eyes as he had asked him why it had not worked out between Nico and Lewis. They had been friends for a long time, why had they not been able to maintain a friendship?

“There was more between them than friendship, Charles. And it was not strong enough to survive their rivalry.”

The weekend after, he had seen the glances that Nico and Lewis had thrown at each other when the other one was not looking. The pain and longing. The feeling of missing someone you love.

Charles sighs and turns around, turning his back to the harbor of Monaco and towards his room. A light breeze plays with his curtains after he steps inside, and they stop moving as he closes the door, shutting Monaco and its inhabitants out of his bedroom. Max is still asleep, his hair unruly and his lips slightly parted. He looks beautiful, more beautiful than Monaco could ever be, and Charles settles down beside him with a tiny smile. He rests his back against the headboard and grabs his phone. Pierre has posted pictures of Cate, and suddenly he remembers that it is her birthday. He needs to text Pierre in the morning so he will congratulate her on his behalf. He puts his phone away again and lays down next to Max, slowly starting to cuddle with him, resting his head on the Dutch’s chest. Through the sheer curtains, he can see another shooting star falling down the sky, and he closes his eyes, taking a deep breath, concentrating on his thoughts.

If he cannot be happy, then he can at least wish for his friends to be happy forever.

**Author's Note:**

> \- this is all made up. no one belongs to me. kudos and comments are appreciated. -


End file.
